happy... if not "happy" then what?

Wow... I've really let time get away from me since I started this blog. It was a rough 2012 for me especially the last half of it and my 2013 hasn't shown much hope thus far. 

I have struggled so much with so many different things in life lately. Anything from finances, personal demons, self-worth.. self-esteem. I've just really gotten off track with a lot of goals I had set. I'm nowhere near where I planned to be right now a year ago. 

I beat myself up all the time. I go into hiding and become anti-social because of all the doubt I store within myself. I break commitments with people I care about and just enter into this whole mindset of self-destruction where I continue to fall through on things that I feel are very important. And by doing that I let down a lot of people and hurt others in the process. I feel like a horrible person when this happens. And all of these things just pile up and it gets heavier and heavier and I lose sight of myself and what makes me whole and how to have healthy relationships with people around me. 

Sometimes, I allow my life and thoughts to get so dark that each time I fall into this state of mind I find it harder and harder to snap myself out of it. I often worry that I may never be able to snap out of it. Although I have learned to put on a big fake smile just like many others do who suffer from the same feelings that I have. The hard part is that I'm pretty good at faking "being okay". So that makes it all the more difficult when I let people down by not keeping promises or commitments that I make. I think that I completely confuse people by doing this. And when I try to let others in and reach out they don't understand the severity of my depression because the last time they spent time with me I was silly and laughing and being outgoing and seemingly happy... fake happy. 

But that's just it... Happy. My pastor has preached on this subject a few times and I often find myself thinking about it. He breaks it down and explains it much more eloquently than I'm about to so bear with me for a moment while I attempt to explain my feelings on this.

So the word happy... whats it mean? Where does it come from? Go ahead and read the definition below.

happy 

mid-14c., "lucky," from hap "chance, fortune" (see haphazard), sense of "very glad" first recorded late14c. Ousted O.E. eadig (from ead "wealth, riches") and gesælig, which has become silly. O.E. bliðe"happy" survives as

blithe. From Greek to Irish, a great majority of the European words for "happy" at first meant "lucky."An exception is Welsh, where the word used first meant "wise." Used in World War II and after as asuffix (e.g. bomb-happy, flak-happy) expressing "dazed or frazzled from stress." Happy hour "earlyevening period of discount drinks and free hors-d'oeuvres at a bar" is first recorded 1961. Happy-go-lucky is from 1670s. Happy as a clam (1630s) was originally happy as a clam in the mud at high tide,when it can't be dug up and eaten.

American Psychological Association (APA):

happy. (n.d.). Online Etymology Dictionary. Retrieved January 10, 2013, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/happy

See the problem with happiness if you noticed from above is that it's so, extremely, fleeting. It's meaning is temporary. And when the feeling is gone I'm left feeling empty. It feels to me like a vicious cycle. 

I feel like I'm always chasing after it. And for what? A brief moment of satisfaction? The bottom line is that in the end it's not worth it. I set myself up for failure everyday of my life. I make these ridiculous goals and deadlines for myself. Why? Because I feel like accomplishing them will in turn make me happy. So when I set these impossible goals for myself and pretty much never come anywhere near reaching them I'm left devastated. Quite the opposite of being happy, right? I stumbled upon this quote below and don't know anything about the author but I thought it was fitting for the point that I'm trying to make.

"Happiness consumes itself like a flame. It cannot burn for ever, it must go out, and the presentiment of its end destroys it at its very peak." 
J. August Strindberg

 I'm sure some of you reading this are probably thinking.. Whoa. This girl is crazy. Well, I am and I'm OK with that. I'd say I'm definitely a little OCD in some areas of my life and I have ADHD if you can't tell from this whole ramble of a post.  

OK back to the subject, I want to give up on happiness... for good. I want something better, something that sticks, something that will mean more to me when all is said and done. I want to learn to have serenity and to be capable of sustaining joy in my life. 

The truth is, I know what I need to do to make it happen. It's a matter of putting an end to my procrastination. I need to recognize and act upon the fact that this isn't my life to do with what I want. God put me on earth to live through Him, to praise, honor and worship His name and to share His love and glory with others. He knows my struggles and I believe His heart breaks for me when I get so stressed and depressed that I barely leave my bedroom for two days. I allow my stresses to turn into illness, being late for work/church, missing work/church, and missing other important events.

Now this next part is a bit personal I know, but oh well...

Right now my bank account is overdrawn by $316.02 and my bills are piling up as we speak. I don't get paid for another week and even that pay day won't satisfy what I need to have paid for the month. 

My six year old daughters birthday is tomorrow and I don't have the money to buy her a single gift. I can't pay my utilities, groceries, phone, rent, car...etc. And there are many more financial struggles than that. 

I thankfully have a wonderful family and they help me with what they can. So thankfully we're not starving. That alone makes us more fortunate than most of the world. I am very aware of that fact. I'm not attempting to get the sympathy of anyone by putting that out there. I don't want sympathy.

I'm simply using this as a vent. I keep a lot of things bottled up in an attempt to stay in control of everything. And as you may have guessed that really hasn't been an effective method for me. So here is my opportunity I feel to improve upon all of these things. No matter how bad I think my life is it could always be worse. I know that God loves me and He will never give me more than I can handle on my own. 

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. 2 Corinthians 4:16 ESV

I have faith that God has a plan for my life and I don't know what that is yet. He knows that drives me crazy but it's all in his hands. Will I be able to catch up on my bill's and debt that has suddenly become a major problem for me? I honestly don't know, but after a week like this one where my eye has literally been twitching non-stop from the overload of stress I'm willing to give up the worry and uneasiness that I've endured for the last few months. I'm giving it all to God. And I will work as hard as I can to bring Him the glory he deserves. And in return I pray that He will help to bring me the peace and serenity that I long to have permanently in my life. I want to set a good example of what His love looks like so that I may lead others to Christ.

Thanks for reading.. It helped me greatly to get this off my chest and I can only hope this helps someone who needs some encouragement.

- Kaley

Below is a video a friend of mine shared on FB. I thought it was sweet and just wanted to include it in my post. It's a great perspective changing video.

Blog Away!

I've made a blog finally... I've contemplated and thought about it for a really long time and decided that I'm ready to start blogging away my thoughts and ideas on life. 
At the moment I'm slightly torn with certain things in life. I definitely struggle with the fact that I am not a patient person. I want everything to fall into place all at once and to make the best of what may come in the future. I've been through some rough patches in the past few years but I won't let that change my heart and harden me to the world. 

So far today I've gone to church and helped out with the presentation and production team. Then came back home to my apartment to hang out with my boyfriend Ryan and daughter (Karter Grace). She's had a friend come over and now they are in her room talking, laughing, watching TV and having very serious girl talk. I love listening to my daughters conversations with her friends. It's so funny to me to here her talk so candidly on life and other topics. Just like all kids, she feels she's got it all worked out and she knows it all. I'll let her think that for now anyways. :-) Funny thing is I'm sure that if I keep up this blog thing one day I'll look back on my entries and say the same thing about myself..

Alright well here goes my first post. I'm about to cut Ryan's hair then take Karter to VBS. And maybe do some clothes shopping for a photo shoot that Ryan and I are doing tomorrow! I'm super excited and hope it turns out well. We'll see..